Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
