Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
