Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
