also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
