i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
