My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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