My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
