i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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