Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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