Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
