Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Less talking, more tequila
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
