I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
