Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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