I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
