i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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