She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
