I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I had to cum in my sink.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
