Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
