In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
