Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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