Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
