I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
