im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
