R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
