I hate all girls vehemently.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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