I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
