he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just found puke in my bra..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
