She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
