There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
