Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
