Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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