Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
