so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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