also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
