i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
