I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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