Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
