Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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