Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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