glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
