Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I could fuck to npr.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
