I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
