K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
