please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
