Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
