Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
