I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
