Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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