So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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