i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
