oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
