I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
